i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
