I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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