I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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