Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
