i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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