How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Your cock deserves a montage
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
