Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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