apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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