Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
