epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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