Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
