So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
