a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
