I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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