i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
