whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
