I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
