So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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