Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
