Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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