This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
