someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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