I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
