I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
