you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
