don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
