there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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