the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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