after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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