i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
