I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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