i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
