Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
