Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
