She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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