The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
In America we eat man semen.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
