I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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