Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
