First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
