I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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