Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
