I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
