been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
