can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
