life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
