dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
