how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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