Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
