i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
