I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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