Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
